How to teach your pet to *actually* talk..."

"Don't make eye contact, she's trying
to teach us to talk again..."

I really should stop trying to teach my pets to talk… but I just can't help myself...

And when I say ‘talk’, I don’t mean bark on command, etc - oh no, I mean TALK!

It’s not something I’m deliberately setting out to do (I’m not totally mad… well, not totally and completely), it’s more something that I just occasionally catch myself doing. Take this morning for example: I reached for a banana from the fruit bowl and Bella Cat watched with interest and made a little peeping sound. So I looked at her and said, “Banana”. I was showing her a banana and repeating the word IN THE HOPE THAT SHE MIGHT REPEAT IT. Yes, well… It’s the same system I used for my daughter when she was a baby, and she picked up the whole talking thing very quickly!

I was once out walking Freddy Dog when he paused to look at a bird sitting on a fence. “Look Freddy”, I said, “BIRD”. He looked up at me, we caught each other’s eye, and I thought: oh blimey, I’m trying to teach my dog to say the word ‘bird’.

Last week Fred presented me with his empty food bowl  by dragging it upstairs and dropping it on my feet (he’s not subtle). I picked it up, showed it to him, and said, “Bowl”. Just yesterday we had some snow and I pointed out of the window and said, “Snow”. I’m thinking maybe I’m favouring teaching the dog over the cat, but that’s really only because he seems to show more willing. Bella just looks on with a slightly wilful expression (I think she’ll be a slow learner - might even turn out to be dyslexic…)

My pets are both (of course) highly intelligent. But I don’t genuinely think they’ll ever learn to talk (though it won’t be from lack of parental teaching and guidance I assure you). Yesterday I saw a dog on Facebook writing his own name with a paint brush. Yeah, but can he talk?

I think if (or when) the day ever comes that Bella says the word ‘Banana’ or Freddy mentions that his bowl is empty rather than shows me, will probably be a surprising but well-earned one. I might be tempted to rename Freddy ‘Gaspode’ in honour of the dog from the Terry Pratchett books (who, if you don’t know, is a dog who thinks like a human and says the word ‘woof’ rather than barking).

Look, Freddy: Blog. Can you say ‘Blog’? What about, ‘Pho-to-Fair-y-tales’? Good boy!

Surely I'm not the only person in the world who does this? Am I??

Love from the nuthouse,

Sarah x

RIGHT! I've got something to say about this Blog!

Dear Reader

Well, I think it's about time a little sense was shown on this so-called "blog" - there's been far too much about dogs and hair, and I'm here to stand up for all the cats in the world to say: "We need more cats on the internet!".

Honestly, you'd think a dog had never had a hair cut before - on and on he goes, "have you noticed my hair?", "does my hair look nice?", "do you think I still look like me?", blah blah blah. Well, I've had it up to here (pointing to collar) - so you've had your hair cut, now get over it!!

Everyone's out to get us cats - even the fish. So you think harping on about dogs is interesting. Well it's not - now, I've made my point, time for a little lay down.... enjoy the video (I didn't).

Love Bella Cat ....zzzzzzz

PS: Yes I am sticking out my tongue, yes it is rude, and no I'm not sorry so there

In which Freddy has a close shave...

Have you ever had a bad hair day? A truly, truly bad hair day? I guess you probably have at some point or another, so to make you feel a little better I thought I'd share the adventure Freddy had this weekend...

He has just celebrated his 1st birthday, and frankly, things had got a bit out of hand in the hair department. If Mr Dyson had invented a hoover with hands, my hoover would have been gripping the doorframe of the cupboard everytime I tried to drag it out and vacuum the carpet - screaming, "Please! No more fur! I just can't take it. It's the fifth time today!!!"

In the first year of his life Freddy has got through 4 brushes, a de-tangling comb, and a de-matting brush for "excessively hairy dogs" (oh, and he's on his fourth lead, but that's got nothing to do with hair - that's all teeth!). So, this Saturday it was decided that the time had come - poodle parlour here we come....

Now Freddy is a cross between a cumberland spaniel and a standard poodle, so we had no idea really how he should be clipped - poodle pompoms or spaniel short back & sides..? To be honest, the tangles were the decisive factor and so the look this season for summer 2010's fashionable pooches is known as "The Squaddie" (with slight mullet overtones if you have the ears to carry it off).

He is now starting to loose his slightly reproachful stare, but he is wondering why the children at the school gate every day keep asking who he is: "I'm Freddy - style icon and lead chewer. Stroke my tummy and I'll tell you the tale of the time I took a trip to the hairdresser. Trust me kids, it will make your hair stand on end..."

Sarah x

Let them eat snow...!

"So, Freddy - have you been eating the snow?"

"Me? No..."

"Are you sure - because it looks as if you might have been...?"

"No, no, not eating snow, no, not me."

"Did you eat any yellow snow?"

"I don't think so, erm...... let's run!!"